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Darn Inverse Correlation

August 19, 2011

I have a stack of photos on my laptop, which I pride myself in having sorted into folders.  I may have over-sorted them as in they might be more fun to look through kept in a big jumble.  Most of them are of events, other people, things I found amusing or beautiful and wanted to take a snap of.  I’m no photographer; I used to live with one but neither the interest or the cleverness rubbed off so any photos that look any good you can be sure weren’t taken by me.

Among the stack of photos is a folder of photos of myself.  If I sort them by date then I can see my body changing, sometimes getting bigger, sometimes shrinking.  As I look at each photo and think about where my life was at and where my head was at when it was taken, I notice something that I kinda knew anyway but there’s the evidence right in front of me:

  • I lose weight when I’m sad and stressed 
  • I put weight back on when I’m happier

Evidence!!

 
   

Clockwise from Top Left: Very unhappy, Cheery and a bit cheeky, Very unhappy, Happy (even though being forced to do gardening)

Then there’s the comfort-eating.  That’s been a relatively recent thing and will hopefully be easier to undo than the association in my head of eating less with times when I’ve felt dreadful.  I want to be eating less, eating the right things and the right amount, and still keeping with the happy.

All I’m going to do tonight is look through some more photos and hope that, while I’m sorting, I can find a photograph of me at a time when I felt happy and also felt happy with the way my body looked.  I want to be able to say “See?  You weren’t slim then and you weren’t at a weight you were uncomfortable with but you were happy – you were doing ok.”

I’m aiming for the opposite of obsessing about my weight; the opposite of feeling the power of getting very slim because it’s the only power I feel I have and the opposite of hating how I feel when I’m so much bigger most of my clothes don’t fit and I get out of breath easily.  Call me on my semantics by all means (surely what I must mean is that I’m looking for a way through between those 2 already-opposites) but I hope you’ll understand the purpose of what I’m doing here.

Some looking-at-of-photos later

This is the nearest I got.  When this photo was taken I wasn’t particularly bothered about my weight or my eating and my concern about how I looked stretched (on that day) to whether I looked pirate-y enough to attend a pirate-themed street party.  Aharrr… buxom(-ish) pirate wenchitude.  Bring it on.  …I look a bit smug, too.

There’s another photo taken around the same week that I was going to use but it shows less of my body than this one and my mum’s standing next to me in it too so I would have needed to ask her permission before using (although it is her current Facebook profile picture, which makes me smile).

What now?

Today was really nice, especially right after work when I joined the lovely neighbours in the back garden for strawberries, 85% cocoa chocolate, moon cake, sunshine and chatting.  I should have the all-clear to start exercising again this weekend, following the headbumping of last Friday; I’ll take it slowly and make sure I’m doing ok before I really go for it.  Bit of socialising this weekend and I believe a small Tesco visit is also due.

What now with the body image?  Just keep going… and embrace my inner pirate self.
I’ll get there.

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From → Body Image

2 Comments
  1. Love this post 🙂 I remember you wearing your ‘devil’ top…I think I asked for a similar one for christmas when I was younger – mum got me a black one with silver writing that said ‘rebel’.

    We must share the need to organise photographs into a stupid amount of folders and subfolders…along with our ability to remember obscure things…such as asking for an oddly specific top for christmas many years ago…ehem.

    Love you lots 🙂 Keep up this healthy eating thing, you seem to be doing really well 🙂 x

    • Confession time! I borrowed that top from a friend who lived in the same house as me some years ago. I also borrowed one of her skirts, I still have both. People should just never lend me clothes.

      Thanks for support, hon. Love you heaps x

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